Copyright Melissa Powell, 1999
Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough arms for my spirit. I envision the god of the Hindu. I don't believe that you can ever really justify, or believe anything until you have understood it in your own eyes.
I can't come to grips with the bad elements that are collapsing around me, and stunning me, because I never saw it for myself until now. I never saw it through my own eyes before, and now that I do I cannot turn upon it, but must allow it to be what it is, for that is my misfortune. I have found that once everything is destroyed I cannot wish it any worse, by believing it is as bad as it gets, but hope that it may rise into a better state; like the death of the worm the butterfly eats a cocoon, and flies to a new beginning.
I find myself compromising with these analogies, I do not mean them harshly. I assume their greater state. As my eyes blur at this screen I can only feel myself being sucked into this hole that we are all being forced into. The epitome of false security, the suburb of false independence. I have to trust that my eyes are only blurring because I cannot concentrate on the grammar, or the evidence that makes me vulnerable to benefit the outcome of my survival. I haven't cried since I can remember. I haven't laughed since October. I haven't felt since tomorrow. I cannot stop now. I cannot conform to the den of the lion. I must be the alternative of this emptiness, and another day goes by. I haven't wasted a minute, I haven't lounged in comfort. I never feel the same. I do not focus on the problems, but by walking through the other door, at times, I find the solutions.
I am not the type of person that will cut in line. Sometimes I would like to be the one who cuts you off on the road, sometimes I would like to be the equal opportunity employer. For now I am only a citizen of the number system we call education. Right now I am only a figment of your imagination. Surprisingly the key in this situation is not the gadget that unlocks the door, but the crowbar that pries the lock. Right now I am not the beneficiary, but the accomplice to a crime that only will be made unjust in my fault. Each day that goes by for some as a sentence of unnecessary duty. They count the days like they would be from prison. No I will not account for that, no I will not count these days as a sentence. I will not bribe my way to that. I will not shout my way to victory. The motto "you sweat for peace, or bleed for war" are the words of the spoken. I am not here to fight. I am not here to dissolve into a camouflage reflection. My name is a worldly aspiration, it is not my keeper. Reading out loud, sometimes I forgive myself into a constitution of belligerent outcome. Sometimes I picture what cannot be seen in objection. When there is not enough color for brightness, not enough light for darkness, not enough words for emptiness, you ask yourself the reality, and it all seems less entangled than before, as less is more and at anytime anything may happen, could be the power, could be the world.
For now we don't expect it, but the least expected is not compromisable. It is not enlistable. We are not really stable. We are as crushable as any bug. We are smaller than the smallest stars that seem almost invisible on nights like these, where I would like to clear the smog and drain the city lights so we could no longer hide or fake indestructibility. I will always think to tomorrow, but when that's gone I must think for today. There is no such as the impossible. I do not believe any of us are really incapable. This is at now, quotable. The truth is what's in the mind. If we continue to fill our knowledge without emotion, than the emotion no longer is ours, because we have traded that for the quick fix, we have traded that for what is not even tradable.
Back in history children fought out of factories, now we must learn to cope with what our fathers fought for, but factories do not always constitute themselves in warehouses. They are what they are, we are what we are. We may be isolated from the real reason but we still need the reason to do what we do, so I must state that if I did not feel incomplete, I would sit down like all the rest and settle for incompletion. Completion is my benefit, my red redemption. My inspiration. I will spend my whole life learning, but it is impossible to fully retrieve everything that we all have to share, so I must not waste a moment for tomorrow, but I must see, what I must see today, so I can complete my story, and end my disorientation. I believe in myself, see for myself, walk the line that has become the wall. I must. I will without regrets, I state my constitution. I find the things that are most remarkable are the rules that are not breakable, but the rules that are changeable. A lie always ruins the truth, but the truth always empowers our faith.
jump! into blue wheels salt on silver rolling met smiled crinkling
for a moment
sky and sea
pass us by
for a moment
jump! into blue
salt on silver
you have to go,
you never know,
I see potential in a simple day.
Then I take your heart and I make it red.
I take your soul, and I make it feel the sun.
So you may have faith in the
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